The John Boehner Shit List

I originally posted this on the discussion board for the fb group "Can this Horse's Ass get More Fans than John Boehner", but nobody seemed to read it. So I'll just leave it here so now there are 2 places for people to not read it!

Oh, John Boehner, How do I loathe thee-- let me count the ways.

1. Your stout resistance to progress and democracy.
2. Your unmatched ability to ignore empirical evidence
3. Those adorable horse blinders you wear to avoid seeing all the Americans in need of (and in favor of) health care reform.
4. Your childish demeanor (by which I mean mindset).
5. And of course-- the way your skin gleams in the sunlight like a rotten tangerine.

Please add any other reasons that YOU may loathe John Boehner. His hate is a hate that is far too bountiful NOT to be shared.

Dear Friendly Heckler:

Dear Friendly Heckler: Stop it.

Dear friendly heckler: You are not helping anybody, least of all yourself. Stop it.

Dear friendly heckler: I do not appreciate your comments, and neither does the audience. So stop it.

Dear friendly heckler: You may mean well, but from my perspective, you're still, well... mean. Please stop it.

Dear friendly heckler: Just because I'm using conversational humor, does not necessarily mean that I want to have a conversation with you. Especially you. Seriously, stop it.

Dear friendly heckler: Just because you don't get the joke, does not mean you are justified in stepping on it. You really need to stop it.

Dear friendly heckler: Just because you do get the joke, does not mean you are required to spell it out for everyone else. I'd sure appreciate it if you'd stop it.

Dear friendly heckler: It's an open mic night; If you really want the attention of your peers, just sign up and wait your turn. So until the MC calls your name, stop it.

Dear friendly heckler: You aren't funny. If you were funny, you'd understand the concept of comedic timing and recognize that you are ruining mine. So do me a favor and stop it.

Dear friendly heckler: By doing this, you are making yourself loathed by everyone around you. So do yourself a favor and stop it.

Dear friendly heckler: Your unsolicited opinions aren't beneficial to the show in any way, ever, to anyone. So do us all a favor, and stop it.

Dear friendly heckler: I don't want your "help". I don't need your "help". If you really want to help me, then leave me alone to can gauge the audience's unaltered response to my unaltered material so I can grow as a comedian. The best way for you to help me is to stop it.

Dear friendly heckler: If I'm telling a story about my life, don't correct me. I'm pretty sure I know more about my life than you do. You know nothing of my life, or my work, or my material, so stop it.

Dear friendly heckler: In fact-- you know what? Just don't ever correct me on anything, at all. There's this concept known in the industry as "comedic ignorance". Look it up, sometime. While you're at it, look up the video "George Carlin Hates Hecklers". I hope your kid dies in a car fire. Stop it.

Vegans Can't Eat Poop

I just realized today that vegans cannot eat poop, because it is an animal byproduct. Those poor, poor people. Just one more reason to never become vegan.

Vegetarians can still eat poop, though, so that's good.