This is horrendously rough and not at all finished. So... yeah.
John: A witty young man with a very dark sense of humor. May or may not be named after Johnathan Swift.
Alice: A witty young woman with a very dark sense of humor. May or may not be named after Alice Sebold
Setting: Doesn't matter. Not even a little. Go nuts. Be creative. Or don't. Be lazy and/or cheap.
Alice: My 1st grade teacher just wrote me, asking if Faith was my daughter. (sarcastically) He clearly had high expectations of me
John: Wow.... Just-- wow (ad lib stammer) Were you a promiscuous 1st grader? How does he even-- (stammers) wow.
Alice: Well, I was loud, bossy, and spirited. All my friends were boys. He did sound a little surprised, probably due to my grades
John: I see.... I guess. Heh. How'd he receive the news that she wasn't yours?
Alice: I wrote him back, but he hasn't received my message yet, so he still thinks she's mine! I don't know how he even found me!
John: Faith probably mentioned you in class or something, and he just looked you up.
Alice: Oh, he doesn't know Faith. He just saw her in some photos with me and assumed she was my daughter! He'll probably assume I'm a lesbian for similar reasons.
John: (smirks) Well, this should be an interesting correspondence. Perhaps you shouldn't be so quick to correct him of these assumptions.
Alice: Don't push me to tell him that I'm also having an affair with a liberal atheist. My teacher is very religious.
John: Oh, that would be perfect! Be sure to mention that you've always wanted to find out 1st hand why student/teacher sexual relations are so popular these days!
Alice: Because that would be my 1st assumption in him finding me, yes? That he found me to start an affair? He didn't like me back in the day. He said I was unruly.
John: (laughs) You probably were. Well, do what you wish. I'm sure I'll find this story's unfolding amusing despite even your best of efforts.
Alice: Maybe he's looking for a mate for his son, Matthew. We were in the same grade, and pretty buddy-buddy at one point
John: Considering his current assumptions about you, I doubt it. I mean, unless he has REALLY low standards for his son.
Alice: (laughs) Well, you may be surprised to learn that he mentioned him. Asked if I ever talked to him anymore.
John: Not at all. He's simply using his kid as an 'in' so he can justify talking to you. My bet is that he wants to save your wayward soul.
Alice: I like this theory. It's much better than your affair theory.
John: Oh that wasn't a theory. More of a prank, really.
Alice: (sardonically) Yeah, I mean... what a paradox! Religious men having affairs...
John: Hmmm. You make a valid point. What if it's both?!?! Maybe he wants to absoleve you with his holy touch! (beat) O.K. THAT was wrong. I should probably apologize for that one. Maybe.
Alice: It's only wrong because he was my teacher. But amusing, nonetheless. I am sure he wrote me out of legitimate concern and curiosity.
John: Well, in that case.... I half-apologize for that remark.
Alice: Whatever am I to do with you? I probably shouldn't encourage you so... But I find it to be one of the best parts about you.
John: Of all things, you regret prompting me to apologize for my completely unprovoked insults? You're quite peculiar yourself, miss.
Alice: Is it wrong for me to not want to taint such a fine sense of humor with regulation? I personally want to see how far you'll go without intervention.
John: If anyone would want to see such a horrific and disturbing sight, it would be you. I must warn you, though; Some of my wittiest thoughts go deeper and darker than the lowest depths of the ocean. Have you seen the freaks that live at the bottom of the ocean, Alice? They're terrifying and sickening in their own ridiculousness, not unlike my jokes.
Alice: I've not been to the bottom of the ocean. Water's not my element. I'd melt. I prefer fire. Have you been to the pits of hell, or shall I enlighten you?
John:As it is with Santa's workshop and the Tooth Fairy's calcium castle, I have not been to the pits of hell. Be careful, Alice-- my wit's chain is weakening.
Alice: (coyly) Oh my! Whatever is dissipating your link? It was just a statement that I can be pretty dark, myself... just in a different way.
John: Oh, I know. You're simply tantalizing my competitive side. I have no idea what this encounter will result in; I just know it will be very steamy.
Alice: I cannot taunt a man, dear Johnathan, who does not want to be taunted, or else he would not have it. I can only suggest darkness; you have the choice to be absolved of it.
John: When have I said anything that did not suggest a desire to be taunted? I've done nothing but taunt you to taunt me since I first found you to be a worthy opponent!
Alice: I know. Hence why I made that point. I had to reveal your willingness to be taunted as matched for my desire to taunt you. Who has the upper hand is completely subjective.
John: Well then, bring it on! I've got enough dead baby jokes to feed an entire orphanage! I suspect we'll whole cities.
Alice: And I've enough jokes concerning AIDS to wipe out your orphanages before they've a chance to fill their bellies!
John: Just because my last name is Nigro, doesn't mean that I'm going to be put-off by black jokes.
Alice: John-- if I wanted to refer to the black bits of you, there are other routes than that of AIDS.
John: Is that a reference to my sense of humor, or something else entirely? I'd hate to make up all your jokes for you...
Alice: You make up my jokes? I'd just as soon be cured by Freud. You just want me to explain because you want to hear it! (beat) sigh... It was a sexual reference using a stereotype to describe your capabilities. There. Happy now?
John: Well, if your last joke was any indication it seems that you'd love nothing more than to be cured through Freudian means. And I don't recall giving you permission to call me out like that.
Alice: Yes, but that's only true if you are under the vain assumption that you have at all supplemented my jests. Which--apparently-- you are. I called you out because it fit the humorous pattern forming.I think it would only make matters worse if I told you not to take it so personally.
